Emotionally Focused Therapy - How it Works

I have advanced training in working with couples using a type of therapy called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It’s based on the science of bonding in adult attachment relationships.

When we are in conflict with our partners, we tend to put on our suits of armor to protect ourselves. This makes sense, because it feels scary and vulnerable to be in conflict! These suits of armor can show up lots of different ways: distancing, growing cold and quiet or leaving, pursuing our partners and endlessly wanting to “talk it out”, or becoming critical and angry.

The distress cycle

A common place to get stuck is in some version of this cycle: one partner is feeling inadequate, which activates their distancing, which triggers the other partner’s anxiety, which churns up their critical tendencies, which exacerbate the distancing, and so on. Both partners are left feeling helpless, frustrated, and alone. But there is hope! Underneath our suits of armor are very practical, important human needs to be met: for secure, loving connection with our partners. When we put our suits on, it’s hard to even notice those needs, let alone ask for them to be met out loud! 

A new cycle

With EFT, the goal is to replace the distress cycle with a more expansive and positive one. To do this, we have to bring the cycle alive together, in real time. In sessions, we stay in the emotional “channel.” We don’t spend as much time on the “what,” but rather the “how.”

This means how you’re relating to one another, how you view yourself and your partner, and how each of you elicit responses in the other. Our suits of armor can be removed in an intentional and safe way. We are able to slow down enough to notice our own needs, maybe even for the first time, and ask for them to be met in more effective ways.

My role

I see my role as a relationship and process consultant. In couples therapy, the relationship itself is my client. Positive outcomes in couples therapy are predicted by how engaged couples are in the process and their shared goals, NOT the level of distress they’re in when they start therapy.

If you and your partner are feeling ready to do this work together, it would be my privilege to help you get there. I look forward to seeing your name on my calendar to talk through working together.

Click the button below to find a time on my calendar this week.